ME time!

Oh, the wonderful 22nd. But don't worry, I've added a lot of high quality photos for your reading enjoyment.

Here are some weird things I do for my kid that I don't think anyone else does for theirs:
*I'm pretty sure not many people give their child, who has been potty trained for 2.5 years, a piece of candy every time they go poo. All because of that little incident with stool retention and Jane will be pulling out a starburst in high school after using the facilities.
*There just might be another mom out there that does this, but every time I make Jane a bowl of Mini-Wheats I can't believe I sit there picking out the most sugar-coated ones. I am wound pretty tight around that little finger of Jane's. If you ever see Jane have a complete meltdown and think, "What is wrong with that girl? Doesn't her mom discipline her at all?" just remember I pick out the sugary Mini-wheats and it will explain a lot. And in case you are baby sitting and need to make Jane a bowl of cereal here's a reference. On the left: acceptable, on the right: no way.

*I can guarantee there is no other mom in the world that has to answer the following question EVERY time their child is about to watch a television show: "My brain won't pop up if I watch this?"
*And hopefully there aren't too many moms out there that actually give their child Tylenol after suffering from a minor scrape. In my defense, NOTHING is minor to Jane. Any amount of pain sends Jane down a panicked, screaming, insufferable spiral. So when I don't have the time or means to console a freaking out Jane for an hour I let Tylenol and an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to the trick.

Speaking of Jane's impossibly low tolerance for pain, she had to have an MRI done. She cries within five minutes of being in the car every time and each time complains of her back hurting. We've tried different seats, a back pillow, a foot rest, etc. She still cries about her back. She does have mild scoliosis but the doctor didn't think that would cause any pain. He said it's not normal for kids to complain of back pain and the only way to know if something more serious was causing the pain would be to do an MRI. We decided to wait. We waited quite awhile but it still kept happening and she started to complain about it at home too. So we had an MRI done. Did I ever blog about the time Jane went to the doctor and simply being asked to step on the scale caused her to bolt in fear down the hallway past the waiting room and to the door before I could catch her? Well, she did. And I was pretty nervous about the hospital trip. The MRI was 2 hours long. Needless to say, she would need to be sedated. I called the hospital and spoke with a child life specialist and got info on everything that would happen, down to if she would be weighed, measured, etc. Then I practiced with Jane. It helped A LOT. She did really great.

She did cry and get scared when she had to leave me while being wheeled in the bed. I'm sure they had to physically hold the mask onto her face, but they said she fell asleep quickly because she was taking deep breaths from crying. Two hours later I got to hold Jane as she kicked and fought me while she woke up. Results showed nothing abnormal. I personally think there is some mild discomfort in her back, perhaps from the scoliosis, that most kids wouldn't even mention, but with Jane it's a cry-fest.

But some good did come out of our hospital excursion. I think I just may have found a career I would actually enjoy. In all seriousness I think I would love to be a child life specialist. I wish we had money and some semblance of a schedule around here and I would take some classes!

While at the hospital I used the bathroom and read their sign, "Please do not flush baby wipes as it will clog the sewer line." Only someone had crossed out the word "wipes" and added an " 's" after baby. So it read, "Please do not flush baby's as it will clog the sewer line." Just another classic example of how poor grammar can ruin a good joke.

In other news: I was bad today. Really, really bad. I had dairy. I had just gone swimming before heading over to a bridal shower and had worked up quite an appetite. But the only things dairy free that I could eat were strawberries and grapes, and a bit of some salad if I picked out the cheese. I tried my best but it wouldn't suffice. I thought about the fact that I've essentially been off dairy for 7 months and my ENT still wants to rip out my ear drum and thought, what the heck I'll have a sandwich with boursin cheese. (Despite the fact that my kind-of-crazy-friend to my left was voluntarily partaking only of strawberries, grapes and salad). And then if you can imagine secretly crying yourself to sleep on the nights you were offered cheesecake and had to turn it down, you can then imagine how easy it was to justify, "Well, I already had cheese, I may as well have a piece of cheesecake." And then you can imagine that I just had to have 2 tiny slivers of Matt's pizza tonight. So... I'll let you know if my ear explodes during the night.

Speaking of dairy, I came across a dairy-free Ranch dressing recipe and I am in Ranch heaven! It's super delicious. I missed eating crudite with Ranch. Chomping on plain carrots just isn't the same. And I LOVE a specific salad that I ate nearly every single day that I was pregnant with Jane. Romaine lettuce, sunflower seeds, an unnatural amount of chickpeas, and Ranch dressing. Yum!

Speaking of chickpeas, have you ever seen a picture of the food on it's packaging and it says, "serving suggestion"? Like with Cheerios you see a bowl of Cheerios with strawberries and milk. I guess they throw on "serving suggestion" to let you know when you pour out the cereal you will not also be getting milk and berries in your bowl. Well, on my can of chickpeas there is a bowl of chickpeas. It is literally what it would look like if you opened the can and poured its contents into a bowl. Perhaps they had to include "serving suggestion" lest anyone think they were scoring a free bowl?


Oh, and remember when we were speaking of my ear? Well, we finally figured out what was causing the secondary outer ear infection. It was indeed a fungus of some sort. I was told to find athlete's foot drops at the store and put them in my ear. Only, several stores and an internet search later I was informed they have stopped making that product in drop form. I told my doctor. He managed to scrounge up a bottle in his office that oh, only expired 17 years ago!

I couldn't help but fear the aged medicine had taken on new properties and would immediately burn my ear canal like acid. But it didn't. In fact, they worked. But that doesn't mean my mastoid problem is fungal. My doc thinks this came about simply from an overuse of antibiotic drops. All I know is that I hope I don't have to take my kids the next time I get my ear vacuumed out. Or it will probably be a repeat of the last time: Jack walking around aimlessly bawling his head off, Jane standing too close to the doctor for comfort, asking me repeatedly, "Does it hurt? Does it hurt?" Then she asked confused, "Are you laughing?" Yes, Jane I was laughing! Laughing because it hurts like hell but who cares because only a psycho would bring their kids to see their mom get her ear vacuumed out and this doctor knows it!!

Speaking of swimming, wait, we weren't. But just in case you still picture me huffing and puffing and nearly drowning while swimming laps, I'll have you know the month has brought much improvement. I don't think about my breathing at all anymore. And it's a total blast. And my swimming style is exactly like my running style: I'd rather go longer than work on getting faster. So to help with all of those laps I've rewarded myself with one of these

(here) Don't worry, I just tuck it into my swim cap for complete hassle-free awesomeness.

Ta-ta!