What I wish were an exciting announcement

I found out I was pregnant on December 5th. We were really excited. Jack and the baby would be just over 2 years apart--a spacing I never saw myself doing. But I had a very strong feeling that we should try THAT month to get pregnant. So I wasn't surprised to see that positive test result.

A very humble and cheap house in our ward was up for sale. When we first called about it we were told it was under contract. I told my friend, "You just wait, they will call us back because that deal will fall through. That house is for us!" It was darling and there were 4 bedrooms. The monthly payment would have been cheaper than our monthly rent. Sure enough, we got a call that the house was available again. We started the process of getting a loan. I felt, for the first time in quite awhile, that God was directing our lives. It felt like everything was coming together: the pregnancy, the bigger house, the new evening job I had acquired.

I started spotting on December 19th. That is never a welcome sign but it was very light and the nurse I talked to didn't seem concerned. She offered to let me have blood work done to test if the hcg levels were rising as they should, just to give me peace of mind. I had my blood drawn the first time on December 21st. It was still light spotting but my eyes filled up with tears as they poked me with the needle. The lady said, "Oh, don't worry, I would cry too." I'm not sure if she thought I was crying because I didn't like needles or if she knew my blood was being tested for hcg levels and knew that that is usually not a good sign.

The next day was December 22nd, my birthday. My spotting was getting a little redder and I was getting more nervous but I didn't have any cramping, and kept thinking of stories I'd heard of first trimester bleeding that didn't result in a miscarriage. I wanted the whole family to go out for my birthday. We ran some errands together and then went to Chili's. We ordered our food. I noticed a few slight twinges in my abdomen and wondered if they would be considered cramps or not. I went to use the restroom where I ended up passing a lot of blood and a lot of clots. There was no mistaking what had just happened.

I came out of the bathroom just as they brought our food. Matt could see what had happened. We sat there heartbroken, and not knowing what to do. Then Matt told the waiter that we had just received some bad news and asked if he could box up our food. We went home and I had to go into work later that night.

The next day I called my doctor's office to see if I still needed to come in for the second blood draw. She said it would be best because it was suspicious that I didn't have any obvious cramps. It sparked the tiniest bit of hope in me that grew throughout the day. I had heard of stories where women were told they miscarried only to find a surprise baby during an ultrasound. By the time the nurse called with the results of the hcg levels I was just certain it was going to be a miracle. After all, this was the baby I felt so strongly inspired to have. I was crushed when she told me that my levels had dropped significantly and it was indeed a miscarriage.

Matt told me that he called his parents to tell them what had happened. He said, "It was just like when I broke my tooth on my bike. I didn't cry until I told my mom."

It was very hard to know what to feel. I recognized that this experience was very small in comparison to many friends who were going through, or had gone through much more tragic experiences. I remembered an old conversation with someone who said, in effect, that early miscarriages aren't really a big deal--they just change the spacing of your children. I had received a comment along the lines of, "At least it was at 6 weeks so you weren't attached yet." I kept thinking about those things and wondering why I felt so sad.

I was working more than I would have liked, and later at night than I would have liked. We received word that the house we were interested in would not get approved for the type of loan that we needed. It was an emotional time in general. I am ashamed to say I battled with feelings that God had betrayed me--that He shouldn't have led me to believe that we needed to get pregnant. I felt foolish that I believed we were going to have a baby and buy a house and that God was directing those things.

The sadness would hit me at random times and has lasted for much longer than I would have imagined. Matt was always very sweet. He always reassured me that what I was feeling was very normal.

We were told that we could try to get pregnant as soon as we wanted. I had a hard time wanting to do so. I felt like I wanted to be happy first. I wanted to be excited for a new pregnancy instead of feeling like we were trying to replace the one that was lost. And the idea of getting pregnant again felt very vulnerable because I knew sustaining the pregnancy would be out of my control.

We eventually felt ready to try again. We have tried for two months with no success yet. The feelings of loss revisit with every unsuccessful cycle. I manage to be aware of exactly how far along I would be. You see, I would be 20 weeks. I would be finding out the gender this week. And that leads me to wishing I were writing to say, "Surprise! We're pregnant and it's a ____!"

Thankfully, I no longer feel betrayed by God. I feel loved by Him and blessed by Him. I don't understand why things happened the way the did, but I do know that things will work out in our lives just as they should. And I'm thankful for that.